Please forgive me..

I have now been RRARFing for 2 months. One thing it has definitely cleared by now, is my dizzy spells and low resting pulse. Going from 40 bpm to 60, is a big improvement! I still feel it could get a bit higher, when you take in consideration that I haven't been exercising at all. I've read that a RP in the eighties indicates a well functioning metabolism. My periods is still not stable, I'm still waiting for this month. My hair has not seen any improvement. I still have trouble with my water/sodium balance. This is a sign for me that my adrenals haven't fully recovered, since the hormone aldosterone (regulates the water/sodium balance) is also managed by the adrenals. I believe when they are healed, my water retention will also go away.
I am still in two minds about if I should start doing some workouts again. I'm really trying to listen to my body at this time and not do what I have always done, which is; Just do it. If I listen closely, I still don't want to work out. The question is, do I trust my body's signals or am I just getting too comfortable not doing any training?? My logic tells me, if my body is healthy, it would want to exercise and use energy. If it's still trying to heal a damaged metabolism, it wouldn't want to use any energy, other than on fixing the body. Hmm.. I guess I just kinda answered that my self ;-) I'll wait a little longer.

Today I did some thinking/reflecting to as WHEN I really started doing some serious havoc on my body. I guess it's no surprise that competition diets is not doing any favors for the body. I noticed that every competition prep got harder and harder, over the years. But at my last comp, I really reached my ultimate best condition. I did 1 hour and 40mins at the end of my diet, plus my weight sessions. I was at the lowest body fat in my life! Even my legs (which is most girls problem area due to estrogen) had deep separations! My cheeks was totally sunken in. When you look/feel more dead than alive, you know you have reached your goal (pretty sick, huh?)!
On top of that, I had a lot of things going on in my life, I did some hardcore partying too (just minus the party) and totally overdid the dieting (I have no idea how my body managed to stay alive on the minimum of calories I was consuming. To make matters worse, I was on the show Survivor, which meant real starvation was a reality!
I never gave my body the time to heal from what I had put it through. I never did a re-feed  for real. For 2 days after the comp, I ate whatever I wanted and then jumped right back in the saddle. I remember having ravenous hunger afterwards but I ignored it or killed it with drugs (I was in a pretty bad place).

Today I realized, I am paying for all of that now. The dieting, the overexercising, the partying -EVERYTHING! I totally abused my body back then and instead of resting and re-feeding, I just continued the abuse and never looked back.

Poor body, what have I done to you.. I am so, so sorry.. Please forgive me..